This trip I have kept you all relatively in the dark, for that I am sorry. Several times I have sat down to post an update and couldn’t. I wanted to have glowing reports to share and amazing testimonies of God’s faithfulness.
I found myself sitting here, with no words to say. I didn’t want to report to you all how utterly desperate I have felt lately. How I have inwardly struggled.
The past week has driven me to my knees so many times. I feel so inadequate.
There are times here when I see God’s hand at work in amazing ways, and I cannot help but rejoice! A child rises above starvation and begins to not only survive, but to thrive. A family in desperate poverty receives rice or a home and their praise is contagious. A baby miraculously overcomes sickness after sickness and begins slowly to progress. God’s grace is often overwhelming in these moments.
Yet, there are also times of great difficulty. There are times when I don’t feel I can go another day. Times when everything around me seems dark, when I feel so deeply the pain of others I have no power to help, when poverty seems to triumph provision, and circumstances worsen. Times when sorrow finds me on my knees and desperately wanting to go home. Times when I wish God chose someone else for the tasks and place assigned to me.
At the end of the day I see that I cannot help anyone. I cannot change hearts. I cannot alleviate pain. I cannot rescue people from either physical or spiritual poverty. I am not meant to! Only God can. I was not designed to be a savior for anyone. I am only a servant. I have nothing to offer. God knows this. He only asks for willing obedience.
Hard days and overwhelming tasks will still come. But I don’t have to have the answers, I don’t have to try and remedy every injustice. I only need to be willing and ready to take up my cross daily, no matter the personal cost or sacrifice.
Here am I Jesus, send me! Send me as a light even if it means I must walk into darkness. I am willing to be an instrument of Your love wherever You lead. I leave the costing to you.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Isaiah 40:29